Leaving you

Where have you been?

I don’t want to talk about it.

Where you with her?

That’s irrelevant. It’s not her, you know that.

That’s irrelevant to you, maybe. Are you leaving me?

I am not going anywhere… for now.

But you are thinking about it? Still thinking about all the others?

I.. I am. I am sorry. I am so confused about so many things at the moment, I do not know any thing.

You’ve just arrived and you are already thinking about leaving me. Nice.

You don’t know anything but you know you’re not staying for me.

You always turn my words upside-down. But, no, I am not staying for you. Not anymore. As I won’t leave because of you.
Listen, we never made promises. I wanted so much to be with you, but I never said forever, you knew that. I am sorry.

Why are we speaking in English?? I am tired of speaking weird English all day with tourists and now you force me to do it!

So I am not the only one making an effort. For once. And if I start speaking French je vais m’enerver et en italien, we’ll go nowhere. You stubbornly refuse to understand, although I know you do. Never understood why you do that. Plus, you are so ungrateful. You should be grateful to the tourists, and to me sometimes.

So now it’s my fault. You don’t love me anymore, do you?

I don’t know, it’s not the issue. You…you’re stunning under the rain.

That’s not the issue either, as it won’t make you stay.

Somehow I will always love you, I know it’s so cliché, but it is true. The two us was not a mistake, never will. I am happy for us.
I was too young too settle, you knew that. I never made promises, but even if I did… One should never believe a 22 year old. Do you remember when we celebrate my 23rd birthday you, S and I in Montmartre? And then we walked down to the Eiffel Tower, walking for hours… I was so happy. Now, I’ don’t know.

It has been me and you for four years… I couldn’t realize how I missed the rest. And maybe I didn’t. But I do now.

Don’t blame me if you are chronically unsatisfied. You’ll never be happy. So that’s it, you made your decision, is it irreversible?

Nothing is. And please… I am not blaming anyone. We’re even. But more importantly:

I haven’t made a decision yet. I am not packing anything.
I am here with you now, let’s take advantage of what we have now, please. You know how much it costs me not to make plans, to live in the present. I am not like that.

I don’t know how much I’m staying. I never knew. Maybe we are making a fuss about nothing, I’ll stay another four years, who knows…

No, you are not.

Let me finish, you always do that. You don’t know, how could you if I don’t?. And don’t cry, not for now. There’s nothing to cry about.

I am not crying, it’s the rain.

Yeah, rain, whatever.
I’m staying for now, it’s cold. I just wanted to be honest. I didn’t want you to accuse me of leaving you without a clue. Now you know.
Let’s take a bike and ride to Vincennes on Sunday. There’s a movie with Rita Hayworth next Wednesday downstairs. Let’s just live.

If you say so. I will never  look at you the same way.

I didn’t want you make you sad. There is no easy way to leave the city you loved, not even to think about it, but I needed to tell you, to beg you… please, Paris, when it’s time, let me go.



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